Wednesday, October 26, 2011


It is hard to open a coconut. A coconut is an impenetrable fortress. When the big one hits the safest place to be is in a coconut.

The hair on a coconut’s shell are but vestiges of thousands of interwoven strands that form a protective husk around it. My arms strain as I hack and tug at the thing, fraying away at this impossibly thick rope. Opening a coconut is is a contest of fibers, the threadwork of my muscles against the coconut’s. I am ripping the Guyver unit from its biobooster armor, I am tearing an eye from its socket. A cracked coconut is a battle won; to drink from its broken Pannikell is to drink the blood of your fallen enemy and absorb the strength of his soul. Flawless victory.


Friday, August 26, 2011

DX7 Rhodes

The DX7 Rhodes is a watery, Crest toothpaste-glitter sparkle magical sound that has enchanted us all at some point or another. And yet most people don't even know what it is! This post serves to remedy that.

Exhibit A:

From Wikipedia:

The DX7 Rhodes, also known as DX Rhodes, FM Rhodes, FM E. Piano, or Digital Rhodes, is a Fender Rhodes emulation originally produced by the "E. Piano 1" patch on the Yamaha DX7 (and TX-series rackmount) line of synthesizers.

This distinctive, fresh sound, while by no means an exact duplicate of the ever-popular Fender Rhodes electric piano, was nevertheless very reminiscent of it and has become, arguably, the single sound with which the DX7 is most identified. This sound was subsequently edited and expanded upon to produce the now famous DX7 Rhodes sound.

DX7 II (and DX7S) released in 1987 made a distinctive, bright, overtone-rich version of the "E. Piano 1" sound available as a preset. On the DX7 II this sound became known as "Fulltines."[2]

Variations of the DX7 Rhodes sound were produced by individual artists and programmers, as well as manufacturers of other synthesizers. Though not always produced on Yamaha DX/TX equipment or using FM synthesis, the family of sounds based on Yamaha's "Fulltines" became ubiquitous in popular music from 1984 through the early 1990s. Most synthesizers and home keyboards included an "electric piano" patch that imitated the DX7 Rhodes sound. In the 1990s, improvements in sampling technology, decreased emphasis on synthesized sound in popular music, and a resurgence of interest in vintage keyboard instruments led to the sound falling out of favor.

Because the "E. Piano 1" DX7 preset only faintly resembled a real Rhodes Piano, and the subsequent "Fulltines" even less so, devotees of real vintage electric pianos often express their distaste for the DX7 Rhodes sound.

Exhibit B:

The DX7 Rhodes featured prominently in the end credits of every early 90's animated Disney blockbuster.

Exhibit C:

In 1997, James Cameron's 'Titanic' provided one final triumph for the DX7 Rhodes before it faded into obscurity

Exhibit D:

Dong-dong rocks out on the DX7 Rhodes for 11 solid minutes at some old lady's funeral.


Saturday, April 2, 2011

Lazarus Taxa

Keebler Cookie Crunch Cereal

Keebler Cookie Crunch was the best breakfast cereal I've ever eaten. Even after two consecutive bowls, I still wanted more. Every spoonful was a chocolate-soaked sponge of flavor that squished fudge-dipped cookie frosting into my mouth. Online cereal critics panned it because their feeble minds failed to grasp the novel concept of this cereal. Thus, innovation was met with blind rejection by a tribunal of self-appointed cheetoh-sniffers once more, proving why we have derivative products like Cinnamon Cheerios (Apple Cinnamon Cheerios minus the apples!) taking shelf-priority over distinct classics like Corn Pops and Oreo O's.

Jolly Rancher Cinnamon-Cherry Fire soda

I never even had the chance to try this. The fruit has rotted ere it is ripe.

Hi-C Ecto Cooler:

"They took Ecto Cooler off the Market?! What do they expect me to drink, water?" -- Rex Nitro

Banana Nesquik:

While Nesquik's strawberry and chocolate milks persist, The creamy yellow goodness of banana flavor has vanished from the lineup. A classic trio has been unceremoniously reduced to two. It's like killing off one of the 3 Amigos. Shame on you Nestle... as if supporting Hitler wasn't bad enough.

Crystal Pepsi:
The beverage of slumber parties and all-night video marathons from the animated section of Wherehouse Video, Crystal Pepsi was the ambrosial nectar that sustained what Gertrude Stein once referred to as "the Lost Generation of 1994." To this day, Crystal Pepsi's most devoted followers still herald the Second Coming.

Brach's Rocks:

Delicious gray shale on the outside, purple chewiness on the inside. This is the product that pioneered the concept of earth-toned candies. For that alone, Brach's Rocks deserve a permanent place in the confectionery canon; instead it has gone the way of the dinosaurs that act as its mascot.

Clearly Canadian:

Imagine a man who has been in a coma for 20 years wakes up. His wife, faithful all this time, is alerted of her husbands miraculous recovery and so rushes to the hospital. "My love," she says, "is there anything I can do for you? Just name anything..."

"All I ask is that you... go to the store... and get me... a bottle... of Clearly Canadian..."

Two lives are forever shattered that day.


Friday, February 18, 2011

Boycott Black Olives


Thursday, February 17, 2011

Blackhead strips


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Russian Scientist Discovers Vitamin Water Color-Shift Phenomenon

"Hey guy, have you ever notice VITAMIN WATER COLOR-SHIFT PHENOMENON?!!!" -- Russian Scientist


Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Adventures of Benjamin