Tuesday, September 29, 2009

So Hitler Walks into an RPG...

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Sunday, September 27, 2009

Thoughts

Eloquent men are often accused of overreacting, when, in fact, they are simply describing normal thoughts and feelings with such thoroughness and detail that to the layman they appear larger than life.

Persistent goodwill may not always get the angry man to make peace, but if you are persistent enough eventually he will tire out and become not so angry.

Unhappy people excel in the arts because they constantly have to reinvent their reality to make it tolerable.

Much of our affections arise out of convenience and thrive by habit.

Chewing pudding reminds me of walking underwater, probably because they are both wasted efforts reserved for solid things.

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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Freezing and Shattering



The movies would have you believe that frozen flesh and bone can be shattered like glass. I don't know about you folks, but the other night I tried cutting up a frozen chicken leg and I couldn't hack that shit with a meat cleaver, much less explode it with a single kick.

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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Portrait of a Dirty Dancer: Cave Text Remembers Patrick Swayze

International acting and dancing sensation Patrick Swayze died on the evening of September 14th. He was most famous for his heartthrob role as dance instructor Johnny Castle in 1987's Dirty Dancing, a surprising international success that was the first film to sell one million copies on video (wikipedia).

Swayze had been struggling with Pancreatic Cancer for nearly two years. Not only will he be remembered for his career, but also persevering much longer than doctors expected against the deadly disease, for his devotion to his wife, as well as his exuberance and taste for life.

Swayze was mostly known for a handful of supporting roles when he broke through with his performance as dance instructor Johnny Castle in 1987's "Dirty Dancing." Co-star Jennifer Grey, who played his young lover, Baby Houseman, in the film, described Swayze as "gorgeous and strong."


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"Not only will he be remembered for his career, but also ... for his devotion to his wife, as well as his exuberance and taste for life."


"Patrick was a rare and beautiful combination of raw masculinity and amazing grace. ... He was a real cowboy with a tender heart. He was fearless and insisted on always doing his own stunts, so it was not surprising to me that the war he waged on his cancer was so courageous and dignified," Grey said in a statement Monday.

"When I think of him, I think of being in his arms when we were kids, dancing, practicing the lift in the freezing lake, having a blast doing this tiny little movie we thought no one would ever see. My heart goes out to his wife and childhood sweetheart, Lisa Niemi, to his mom, Patsy, and to the rest of their family."

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"Patrick was a rare and beautiful combination of raw masculinity and amazing grace. ... He was a real cowboy with a tender heart"


Three years after "Dirty Dancing," he became an even bigger star with "Ghost," in which he played an investment banker who dies and learns to tap into his unspoken feelings for his partner (Demi Moore). The film won Whoopi Goldberg an Oscar and helped make him People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" in 1991.

"Patrick was a really good man, a funny man and one to whom I owe much that I can't ever repay," Goldberg said in a statement. "I believe in 'Ghost's' message, so he'll always be near."


The film star's biographer, Wendy Leigh, who wrote the book "Patrick Swayze: One Last Dance", said he had endured physical pain throughout his life.

"When he got diagnosed with this awful, awful disease he was determined to fight it and actually he lived far longer than most people who are diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer, which was what Patrick had."

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"When he got diagnosed with this awful, awful disease he was determined to fight it"


Pancreatic cancer is one of the most virulent forms of cancer which medical experts say has a 5% five-year survival rate.

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Self-defeating Nostalgia


I miss the rockin' Joe Camel ads I'd sometimes see when I was growing up. As the 90's wore on, billboards displaying ads like these were coerced and legislated out of existence, thanks to some crybaby anti-tobacco groups claiming that the ads were aimed at children.

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Sunday, September 13, 2009

The Shephearde's Calender: September

Edmund Spenser's The Shephearde's Calender (1579) is a collection of twelve pastoral poems (eclogues) corresponding to each month of the year. For no real reason, starting now with September, I'm going to post each eclogue in its proper month, until a full year has elapsed.


Synopsis:

Diggon Davies, a shepherd, has spent nine months on the road in search of better trading opportunities. He returns now to his homeland poorer than before and bereft of his flock, lamenting to fellow shepherd Hobbinoll and reflecting on the perils of ambition.

I wote ne Hobbin how I was bewitcht
With vayne desyre, and hope to be enricht.
But sicker so it is, as the bright starre
Seemeth ay greater, when it is farre:
I thought the soyle would haue made me rich:
But nowe I wote, it is nothing sich.


Analysis:

Between the anti-Catholic jingoism and didactic admonitions, there is a great deal of anxiety hanging over this eclogue. Summer is over; winter draws nearer. Cutthroat criminals "of Popish prelates" have fleeced their fellow shepherd in Diggon. Country values and Christian virtue are compromised. The way of humble shepherd is slowly being displaced by unscrupulous mercantilism. Yet the greater cycle of nature promises hope of another spring. We see a glimmer of this hope in the end as the spirit of Christian compassion is shown to be alive and well in Hobbinoll, who offers Diggon some straw to sleep on until his financial situation improves.

Like the eternal cycle of the year, I believe much of this still resonates with present aspects of the human condition. At times, many of us feel that the ideals we put our faith in are yielding to an increasingly mean and degenerate version of the world we were taught to believe in. At times it feels like fraud and bullshit are on the cusp of assimilating the last outposts of honest living. Decisions shaping our lives are made before we're even aware of them; avenues are closed to us before they even appear on the horizon: "The flattring fruite is fallen to grownd... and rotted, ere they were halfe mellow ripe" (December). But, in the tradition of pagan stoicism, every cloud has a sliver lining, or, "When the rayne is faln, the cloudes wexen cleare."

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Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Adventures in Legal Bullshit: Uncrustables are Serious Business


"People think it is amusing to talk about patents on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but it is a patent that never should have been issued. This is a technology -- if you can call it that -- that has been around in many forms for many years." -- Adam Jaffe, professor of economics at Brandeis University, Mass..

From U.S. Patent 6,004,596 , "Sealed Crustless Sandwich":

Filing date: Dec 8, 1997
Issue date: Dec 21, 1999

We claim:

1. A sealed crustless sandwich, comprising: a first bread layer having a first perimeter surface coplanar to a contact surface; at least one filling of an edible food juxtaposed to said contact surface; a second bread layer juxtaposed to said at least one filling opposite of said first bread layer, wherein said second bread layer includes a second perimeter surface similar to said first perimeter surface; a crimped edge directly between said first perimeter surface and said second perimeter surface for sealing said at least one filling between said first bread layer and said second bread layer; wherein a crust portion of said first bread layer and said second bread layer has been removed.





2. The sealed crustless sandwich of claim 1, wherein said crimped edge includes a plurality of spaced apart depressions for increasing a bond of said crimped edge.

3. The sealed crustless sandwich of claim 2, wherein said crimped edge is a finite distance from said at least one filling for increasing said bond.



4. The sealed crustless sandwich of claim 3, wherein said at least one filling comprises: a first filling; a second filling; a third filling; and wherein said second filling is completely surrounded by said first filling and said third filling for preventing said second filling from engaging said first bread layer and said second bread layer.

5. The sealed crustless sandwich of claim 4, wherein said first filling and third filling have sealing characteristics.

6. The sealed crustless sandwich of claim 5, wherein: said first filling is juxtaposed to said first bread layer; said third filling is juxtaposed to said second bread layer; and an outer edge of said first filling and said third filling are engaged to one another to form a reservoir for retaining said second filling in between.

7. The sealed crustless sandwich of claim 6, wherein said first filling and said third filling are comprised of peanut butter; and said second filling is comprised of a jelly.

8. The sealed crustless sandwich of claim 7, wherein said crimped edge is formed into a substantially circular shape.

9. A sealed crustless sandwich, comprising: a first bread layer having a first perimeter surface, a first crust portion and a first contact surface; a first filling juxtaposed to said first contact surface; a second bread layer having a second perimeter surface, a second crust portion and a second contact surface; a second filling juxtaposed to said second contact surface; a third filling; a crimped edge directly between said first and second perimeter surfaces for sealing said first, second, and third fillings between said first and second bread layers; wherein said first and second crust portions have been removed and said third filling is encapsulated by said first and second fillings.

10. The sealed crustless sandwich of claim 9 wherein said first filling and said second filling have sealing characteristics.

US006004596C1 (12) EX PARTE REEXAMINATION CERTIFICATE (5899th) United States Patent ao) Number: us 6,004,596 ci



Further Reading:

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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Survey Sez: America Still Hungry for Verbs

Chicken Bakes


Gripz (pluralized with a 'z' for street cred)


Meltz

Toasted Wraps (Roasted Toasted Wraps, if you don't want crispy)


Quakes


Snackers


Jammers


Slammers


Chugs


Yogos ("yogurty-covered fruity dots")


Yogos
Bits


Yogos
Bits
Crashers


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Friday, September 4, 2009

The Blue and Orange Comedies of the Mid-nineties

1991-1996
Gone but not Forgotten.

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Hubris: Commercial Blarney Praises the Boorish Omnipotence of YOU

Fuck "you."


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Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Plato's Batman

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Platonic_realism

"In metaphysics, a universal is what particular things have in common, namely characteristics or qualities. In other words, universals are repeatable or recurrent entities that can be instantiated or exemplified by many particular things." -- Wikipedia


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I'm Seeing Things Again

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