Saturday, April 2, 2011

Lazarus Taxa

Keebler Cookie Crunch Cereal

Keebler Cookie Crunch was the best breakfast cereal I've ever eaten. Even after two consecutive bowls, I still wanted more. Every spoonful was a chocolate-soaked sponge of flavor that squished fudge-dipped cookie frosting into my mouth. Online cereal critics panned it because their feeble minds failed to grasp the novel concept of this cereal. Thus, innovation was met with blind rejection by a tribunal of self-appointed cheetoh-sniffers once more, proving why we have derivative products like Cinnamon Cheerios (Apple Cinnamon Cheerios minus the apples!) taking shelf-priority over distinct classics like Corn Pops and Oreo O's.

Jolly Rancher Cinnamon-Cherry Fire soda

I never even had the chance to try this. The fruit has rotted ere it is ripe.

Hi-C Ecto Cooler:

"They took Ecto Cooler off the Market?! What do they expect me to drink, water?" -- Rex Nitro

Banana Nesquik:

While Nesquik's strawberry and chocolate milks persist, The creamy yellow goodness of banana flavor has vanished from the lineup. A classic trio has been unceremoniously reduced to two. It's like killing off one of the 3 Amigos. Shame on you Nestle... as if supporting Hitler wasn't bad enough.

Crystal Pepsi:
The beverage of slumber parties and all-night video marathons from the animated section of Wherehouse Video, Crystal Pepsi was the ambrosial nectar that sustained what Gertrude Stein once referred to as "the Lost Generation of 1994." To this day, Crystal Pepsi's most devoted followers still herald the Second Coming.

Brach's Rocks:

Delicious gray shale on the outside, purple chewiness on the inside. This is the product that pioneered the concept of earth-toned candies. For that alone, Brach's Rocks deserve a permanent place in the confectionery canon; instead it has gone the way of the dinosaurs that act as its mascot.

Clearly Canadian:

Imagine a man who has been in a coma for 20 years wakes up. His wife, faithful all this time, is alerted of her husbands miraculous recovery and so rushes to the hospital. "My love," she says, "is there anything I can do for you? Just name anything..."

"All I ask is that you... go to the store... and get me... a bottle... of Clearly Canadian..."

Two lives are forever shattered that day.